Idiot's Insight 6

eSmileeeee Pleaseeeee...

Mrs. I dialled her husaband’s mobile number from opposite a huge Bill board  in South Mumbai and Mr. I greeted her with “Hi Sweetie”,  like he did when his childhood sweeteheart of his 44 year romance called him.

“Why is this boy giving such a huge smile” asked Mrs. I, coming straight to the point.

“Which boy, honey? Are there some boys smiling at you and you’re feeling threatened by the smile?” inquired Mr. I,worried.

“No, no boys, only this handsome boy in this hoarding. I think it’s that Congress leader or something. I can see their symbol underneath the hoarding” replied Mrs. I.

Mr. I was relieved and said, “Oh you mean some boy is smiling  on the hoarding ? It must be the handsome youthful leader of the Congress, Rahul Gandhi”

“Yeah, that boy is Rahul Gandhi. But why is he giving such a huge and fake smile on this hoarding, as if he’s selling toothpaste or something” explained Mrs. I.

Mr. I now understood his wife’s confusion. He patiently told her, “Baby, Rahul Gandhi wishes to project himself as the leader of the new youthful India and therefore he has to be smiling, not serious”

Mrs. I was not convinced. She said, “ But he’s smiling as if he’s looking directly at me and kind of smiling as if he’s looking down on me. I’m not feeling good about this smile.”

Mr. I thought that he would lighten up his wife’s mood with a witty comment. “ Sugar, don’t feel bad. He’s not smiling at you or making you feel bad. He’s smiling because he just saw that his main rival Mr. Narendra Modi, had just voted. Possibly that’s why he is smiling” said Mr. I feeling great about his wit and wry sense of humour.

“ Don’t be an idiot. If that be the case then he’s smiling as if he thinks that Mr.Narendra Modi has just voted for him and he’s already won the election and is the Prime Minister of the country.” concluded Mrs. I as she hung up the phone.

Idiot's Insight 5

Darling tere liye....

Mrs. I was feeling that feeling which every married woman experiences when another woman is attempting to become more than familiar with her husband. Was it jealousy, anger at her husband and the other woman or just a sense of betrayal. She couldn't make up her mind.

On the other hand Mr.I was excited that a pretty woman in her late twenties,  was flirting and chatting with him at the party last night and was feeling that feeling that a married man feels when something like that happens. ...Was it "dude, I rock" or was it "dude, I rock !"

They silently sat facing the TV screen, both watching Aamir Khan urging voters to go and definitely exercise their choice  by choosing between a  party without leadership or a one man party. The silence was heavy with the air of expectation that the other  would broach the subject of what Mrs.I thought was "that bitch" and what Mr. I thought was "that bomb". Both referred to the same woman. 

Mrs. I broke the silence, "So...?"

Mr. I knew what the "so" meant. "Yes darling", he pretended as if everything was normal, when it was anything but that.

"Why can't you control yourself?"  said Mrs. I, getting straight to the point.

"What do you mean? What did I do honey?", replied Mr. I innocently, trying to defend the indefensible against a wife, who had already adjudged her husband  guilty.

"Don't act smart, ok? Because you know you're not.  When that bitch was cozying upto you,  you were enjoying it, na?", countered Mrs. I.

"Why are you calling that innocent thing names.  She was just chatting.  Why are you so upset, love?"  submitted Mr. I, meekly.

"Achhaa... She is innocent. ... how do you know? Did she show you her character certificate?" queried Mrs. I taking the argument on a tangential orbit, that always foxed Mr. I even after 33 years of marriage.

Mr. I decided to assume an aggressive posture to fight his way out of trouble. He said, "You know you're unbearably possessive at times. How I wish you could be more like Jashodaben and give me some space like she has given our PM-in- waiting, Mr. Modi"

Mrs. I swiftly retorted, "How I wish you were more like Mr. Modi,", hurting Mr. I's ego.

“What do you mean more like Mr. Modi? “ asked Mr. I suddenly feeling insecure about his position as Modi had managed to polarise his 33 year strong marriage.

Mrs. I calmly responded with an all knowing smile of a wife who knows she’s won, “What I mean honey is, like he is a one man party, why can’t you be a one-woman man?”

An idiot's Insight 4

Ab ki baar...

Mrs.  I was fuming as she returned home,  after her daily vegetable shopping for her strictly vegetarian husband.

Seeing his wife disturbed, Mr. I inquired "Why so upset, my dear?"

"I went to buy vegetables at Crawford market and the vendor told me, 'Behenji, boti khaao ya aachaar, ab ki baar modi sarkar'," replied Mrs.I

"So what's there to be upset about that honey? Mr.  Modi is most likely to be the next Prime Minister of India", explained Mr.I patiently, as he knew his naive wife may not be aware of the facts, as she hardly kept in touch with the news.

"That's not the only reason I'm upset. The cab driver while dropping me off  said, 'Madam Colaba raho ya Virar, ab ki baar modi sarkar' " said Mrs. I.

Mr. I still wasn't able to fathom why she was so upset with a simple slogan that was coined by a political party for the election. He shook his head and advised, " Just ignore it if you don't like it, love"

"But that's not the end of it," continued Mrs. I, "the liftman told me as I was getting off the lift,  'Auntie, ghar ke andar raho ya bahar, ab ki baar modi sarkar"

Mr. I smiled as he nodded, " Now I get it.  You're upset because the liftman called you auntie? "

Mrs I was now even more upset at her husband's idiotic comment. Controlling her anger she managed, "Nonsense.  I'm upset that a bar man is going to be the next prime minister of our country"

"Not bar-man sugar, chai-man.  He used to work in a tea shop prior to entering politics. In fact liquor is banned in Gujarat" corrected Mr. I.

" Then why do they keep saying abki bar, abki bar?"  wondered Mrs. I.

"Abki bar  means "this time" sweetie.... They mean it's time for a Modi government" explained Mr. I patiently.

"But aren't we Indians famous for never respecting time?" quizzed Mrs. I

"What's that got to do with this, baby?" queried Mr. I confused.

"Well, about 10 years back I recall one Mr. Advani, who thought it was time for him to be PM, and I believe, he's still waiting!" replied Mrs.I sheepishly with a smile.

Idiot's Insight 3

Mukesh's Gas

"The cook told me that gas is going to get more expensive soon my dear" , said Mrs.I worried that her monthly budget that she had been handling for 40 years of her 55 year life would go haywire.

"Yes, gas prices may increase after the elections", replied Mr.I matter of factly, as he turned to the sports section of the newspaper.

"This is very unfair. I thought we got private companies to explore and find gas in India so that the gas prices would come down. .. Not go up" reasoned Mrs . I.

Mr.  I was more interested in reading about Kohli's brilliant innings against South Africa rather than engaging with his beloved wife in another senseless debate.  "True that" he replied tersely.

"So what are YOU going to do about it? " demanded Mrs. I.

" What can I do about it, honey? I'm not the oil minister or Mukesh  Ambani to influence the price of gas. I'm just an ordinary consumer. Please don't bother me now. .. I've got more important things to do" pleaded Mr.I

"But YOU are responsible for this so you have to do something about it, OK?" insisited Mrs. I

"How am I responsible honey, it's Mr. Mukesh Ambani who is responsible for this. He is the one who owns and pumps the gas from the fields, not me" defended Mr. I alarmed at the unjust accusation.

"No, YOU are responsible. If you were more enterprising you could have bid for those gas fields and then we would have had gas for free or at least at a reasonable price", explained Mrs. I

Shaking his head at this unrealistic comment from his naive wife, Mr. I retorted, "Honey you don't understand. How can you even think of comparing me to  Mukesh Ambani? He lives in a different world from the rest of us."

"Don't give me that crap.All that gas  you pass at night, should have inspired you to  think of developing it into a profitable business like it inspired him. He knew the value of that gas and didn't waste the opportunity like you did."  rebutted Mrs. I.

Not knowing how to counter this kind of logic, Mr. I conceeded, "Yes, I agree, I was at fault, ok? I should have thought of bidding for the gas fields, but didn't. Please forgive me for my thoughtlessness. Can we now end this discussion please ?"

"Sure,  we can. After you tell me who owns the gas fields? " questioned Mrs. I

" They are owned by our country, ofcourse ." informed Mr.I.

" So why  will the price of gas increase, if we own the gas fields? Have the costs for pumping the gas increased ?" posed Mrs. I intelligently.

"Honey, the price of gas has nothing to do with either the cost of pumping the gas or the availability. Mr. Ambani has to make some money too you know. He runs a business for profit not for charity and he is entitled to get the maximum value for what he produces. He has to feed his family too, you know" reasoned Mr. I

"Now I get it! " said Mrs. I with a sparkle in her eye.

"Thank God", heaved Mr. I thinking the discussion was now closed.

"Looking at the sheer size of his family, it now makes sense that the gas price  will go up, as he has to feed his family too !" concluded Mrs. I with an impish smile.

An Idiot's Insight 2

From Beijing to Lonavala

Mrs. Idiot was apprehensive about her trip to Beijing with her beloved Mr. Idiot after the disappearance of the Malaysian Airline Boeing 777 that she heard about from her friend Mrs. Kohli.

She knocked on the door of the bathroom, disturbing  Mr. Idiot’s favourite time, in their sprawling 5 bedroom apartment, in an upmarket suburb in Mumbai. While he was enjoying his few minutes of solace,  he heard Mrs. I interrupting , “Listen, sweetheart”

Here goes my “me time” thought Mr. Idiot, but he knew if he ignored his wife the pitch and the volume would only get higher. So he responded, “Yes honey, I’ll be out in a few minutes, after which the bathroom is all yours”

“I don’t want to use the bathroom, baby. I wanted to speak about our trip to Beijing” ,said Mrs. I from the other side of the door which separated the two Idiots.

“What is it then ?” queried Mr. I

“ Can we go to Lonavala instead of Beijing for our vacation, sweetheart? “ suggested Mrs. I.

Mr. Idiot almost fell off his throne on his wife’s seemingly stupid suggestion but he managed, “What??  Lonavala  instead of Beijing? Is that a joke?”

“No, it’s not a joke baby. I heard a plane full of people has disappeared from the map of this earth and they can’t find the plane. Mrs. Kohli told me the aliens could have abducted the entire plane !” said Mrs. I

“That’s  hogwash.  Mrs. Kohli doesn’t realise there are no known aliens and the Chinese satellites have spotted some debris, which could be of the missing jet” reasoned Mr. I

Mrs. I was visbly upset at this dismissive comment. “You think the jet liner crashed in the ocean?”

“Yes “ said Mr. I tersely as he wanted to end this conversation which was going nowhere and get on with his business of playing “flappy bird” on his throne.

“Please come out and prove your point that there are no aliens” said Mrs. I

“What’s there to prove, honey ? Where’s the proof that there are aliens ? We will discuss this later ok, I’m busy at the moment,” said Mr I hoping some relief from the inane argument.

“Do you mean to say that there is no possibility of life in the rest of the universe and the earth is the only planet in the universe which has intelligent life? “ queried Mrs. I.

Alarmed by this line of questioning, Mr. I said, “Honey,  I didn’t say that.  There obviously is a possibility that there is life out there somewhere in the whole  wide universe. But it seems highly improbable that they would abduct an entire plane full  of people” , reasoned Mr. I

“Good, so you agree that there are aliens. If so, why couldn’t they abduct a plane full of people to study the interesting human race? There are numerous planes which have disappeared before which have never been found,” posed Mrs. I intelligently.

Not knowing how to counter this line of argument, Mr. I reasoned, “Ok, even if the plane was  abducted by aliens, why should we change our plans from Beijing to Lonavala, honey?  Air travel is still one of the safest forms of travel in the world, safer than driving to Lonavala”.

“Because you know the road to Lonavala and not to Beijing” replied Mrs. I seemingly intelligently.

“So what??” asked Mr. I, irritated.

“So if the driver is going off course, at least we will know” concluded Mrs. I with a smile.

An Idiot's Insight 1

From Kejriwal to Lokpal

“ I will vote for Kejriwal’s AAP party” said Mr. Idiot to his beloved wife of 24 years.

“Who’s Kejriwal? “ asked Mrs. Idiot innocently as she only watched detective serials and movies on her Tata sky connection and didn’t waste her time on news channels after she had seen one debate of Mr. Arnab Goswami.

“ You haven’t heard of Kejriwal, dear? He’s the new messiah of India, the guy who’s going to rid this country of corruption. He’s going to ensure that every big businessman from the Ambani’s to the Adani’s play by the book and no one can take advantage of the law” replied Mr.I

“But how’s that possible? My friend Mrs. Ahuja told me that there’s no corruption in our country at all” said Mrs. I

Mr. Idiot was angry at his wife’s juvenile remark and retorted, “That’s hogwash. India is one of the most corrupt countries on earth and it is a well established fact”

“How so? How many people have been convicted of corruption, dear?” Mrs. Idiot questioned.

“Not too many I agree, but...Kejriwal will change all that. He will bring in the Lokpal bill, which will send the corrupt straight to jail,” beamed Mr. I.

“ So basically you want to vote for Kejriwal because you want people to go to jail?” inquired Mrs. I

Mr. Idiot patiently explained, “Not all people, only corrupt people”

Mrs. Idiot sounded confused. She asked “ But why are people corrupt in India only? Are we Indians inherently a corrupt race or did we have corruption thrust upon us?”

“We are corrupt because people want to break our land’s laws for their own selfish benefit” said Mr. I

“Do people want to break laws or they can’t comply with the laws because there are too many of them” posed Mrs. I, intelligently.

Startled by this seemingly intelligent question from his naive wife, Mr. Idiot was immersed in thought.

After careful consideration he replied, “ I think you’re right, possibly we have too many complicated laws in India and these laws are continuously amended and changed too. 

It’s practically impossible for a common man, for that matter any man to keep a track, leave alone comply with all the laws of the land and therefore the only option is to give “something” and get on with life, when you haven’t complied”

“Exactly my point, my dear. If there are too many complicated laws and it’s impossible to keep a track, let alone comply with them, will enacting just another law like the Lokpal or whatever, kill corruption or make most of the citizenry of the country having offences against their name for not complying with the laws?” she reasoned.

Suddenly Mr. I realised what an intelligent comment his beloved wife had made. “You’re right my dear, we need simpler and fewer laws to eliminate corruption not another law. Possibly a Lokpal may be necessary as a deterrent for corruption in the higher echelons of power, but at the street level you need fewer, easy to understand, follow and stable laws, not more laws. In fact some of the laws in our country date back to 1857 (like the criminal procedure code or CrPC) or earlier and while not reviewing these archaic laws our legislators are happily making new laws every year and adding to the burden of compliance of the common man”

“Now you see, why watching detective serials is better than wactching Arnab Goswami and getting confused, my dear” smiled Mrs. I.